Recently I was reading Harry, Revised by Mark Sarvas (due out in August) in which Harry Rent, the tragic anti-hero, taking inspiration from Alexandre Dumas's novel, tries to reinvent himself as The Count of Monte Cristo – a courageous and awe-inspiring distributor of wrathful vengeance. Of course, since it’s a comic novel, disaster ensues. But nonetheless it made me think about which character in so-called 'classic literature' I'd most like to be. And I discovered that it's pretty hard to find any fellow female who’s even remotely interesting – and if they are, they certainly aren't a character to look up to...

I started with Guinevere. She got to be Queen and have a torrid affair with that dashing Lancelot chap. But her affair caught up with her, and I don't much fancy spending the rest of my days in a convent. The Wife of Bath had a high old time as well, but if I’m going to reinvent myself, I'm going for looks this time and as far as I can remember she's about as ugly as it gets. Move on to Shakespeare, and most of his women are dull as ditchwater. Viola and Miranda show a bit of spirit, but only while they're after their men – once they've got them, they’re submissive as the rest of them. Only the murderous Lady Macbeth has any character about her, and I shouldn’t really reinvent myself as someone with her morals. There's Elizabeth Bennet, of course, who on the surface of things is clever, witty and strong-willed – a seemingly ideal candidate, if somewhat predictable. But remember when it was that she first changed her mind about fancying Darcy? Yep, just after she got her first view of Pemberley, which makes me think she’s pretty shallow after all. Others are easily dismissed: Elizabeth Harker? A complete pushover. That one out of Frankenstein? So insipid I can't even remember her name. Catherine Earnshaw? Completely bonkers. Becky Sharpe? Far too fickle. Tess of the D'Urbervilles? I couldn't bear all that misery. Dorothea Brooke is pretty tempting – she's got morals, she's got love (in the end), she's got respect. But it's hardly an exciting enough life to be covetable.

So I seem to have got all the way through to about 1900 (very superficially, and doubtless inaccurately too) and still not found a single woman who's worth emulating. I'm on the point of giving up. Am I being too picky? Possibly. Am I being too stereotypical? Probably. Am I simply not well-read enough? More than likely. So any suggestions will be gratefully received, before I get desperate enough to turn to Virginia Woolf...

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